My thoughts visited me while trying to sleep. Seconds, minutes, hours, and doubts exceeded this fatigue. With a mediocre light and broken that old notebook where I used to write my poems, I used to put my thoughts in the hope that from my mind for the rest of the night.
always thought that writing and lyrics were ridiculous, until I found them an infinite world where escape when I feel lonely, sad, angry and even happy. It was like a conversation, without the need for someone else knew of madness in which he meditated. Writing had become my favorite pastime.
With few years of life, could not understand why my parents had to live in different places, why could not see my father more often. But when I grew a few more years, so I was wondering why they left such an important decision to be guided by emotion and not reason. His last whim had me in jail without output, which increased my confusion, my doubts.
always wanted to know how it felt to have a large family, sitting at the breakfast table and share our dreams. But all I hear every morning were the cries of my mother complaining. Is it my fault was his impatience and conflicts with my father? Claims fell over me as if I had decided to come to this world on my own, as if he wanted to be a burden to my mother. I was just your responsibility.
My mother never gave me a hug, and never was interested in how I felt. Only cared about me and home food. Still involved with that strange looking man, which always had fear, just because being in his presence made me feel the hypocrisy that accompanied the malice of his soul. But what could I do?
Our house was big, but I never felt comfortable in it. It was full of extravagant ornaments, costly and somber paintings and large sculptures. That even had rooms were busy and a beautiful garden, where I preferred be. However, the silence of the day made me feel closer to the solitude and indifference of my mother hurt me more and more without my noticing.
never had many friends, but once I met a girl that changed my life forever and she felt the joy that was absent in my life for many years. He was compassionate, loving, sincere and beautiful. Her long, wavy black hair caught my attention the first time I saw her, but her eyes made me want to be with her forever. I remember those beautiful evenings orange, where the mere fact of contemplating nature painted me a sincere smile in the midst of sorrow that surrounded me.
dark Every moment, she was my light, was the person who transmitted me peace and caused me to want to fight for the few dreams that I had.
At that time, I do not know much about religions and things complicated, but the persistence of it I went to that path. She attended a church that I could never understand, was different from those he had visited before and had vowed never to return.
not follow God thought it would help me in my life, but from the moment I agreed to get involved with God, my life seemed to be improving. I learned that my parents should forgive and move on and all my other problems seemed to burn like paper and vanish like smoke.
However, the change characterizes the world struck back my happiness.
One day something clear, we walked to the bridge that led to the other city. A soon to another, she began to talk about the colors and what they meant, I said he liked the white and hated gray. And while talking as he always did, the felt a little uneasy this afternoon, but did not pay much attention. When I got home after saying goodbye to her, I noticed an off-white paper in my coat. It was his letter was a farewell note. Without explaining in detail why that was the last time you see her.
She was always my support and certainly the tears turned to my days when I felt depressed and she was not beside me.
After leaving, my life was filled with bitterness again, and there was nobody who could understand me or console me.
As weak human being, I began to blame God for all my conflicts and walked away from him completely discussions with my mother grew and I decided to leave school to work and move to a place far away. Certainly forgave, but hate me again with more intensity than before.
did not know why it happened, at that very moment. Why this urge to fight and improve vanished. So many "why" in my head and no answers.
The years passed and my salary went down quickly. By not completing my studies, I could not get more than enough to pay of debts, the food of the week. Alone, empty, angry, frustrated, powerless and was bitter as he lived. Every morning I woke up without motivation, without something worth fighting for so many years living and thus led me to take the decision. At one point, used in desperation, I thought the only thing I could take a break from all the conflicts of my life was death. And after consulting the solution to my mind, away from sanity in those moments, I decided to act. The simple fact of not having to worry more about my life in the next minutes, I was a bit of tranquility, but still with fear, never thought I would have to plan my own death.
A letter, a farewell, a habit. The hatred of life, to my parents, to myself would be written in a letter. I thought if my mother was aware that it had decided to end my life, would feel guilty and that gave me satisfaction in the last moments of my life. I took a pen and a sheet that had come loose from my old notebook. The words came to mind drunken confusion, trembling pulse affected my writing, but it was already decided.
To my mind came a picture of where I used to be with her. The bridge would end my concerns, my life. My face was expressionless, as if they were going the transition from life to death. My feet were walking toward that infrastructure, high enough to fulfill my desire for suicide, my feet and I walked towards him. Determined
was standing over that insecure about, feeling the wind in my face expressionless, blind with the afternoon sun, breathing the aroma of life for the last time, without hearing the sound of the hurried lifestyle of the city without listening to my annoying thoughts for once, only a few seconds of dying. Distant and unexpected, a sweet voice caressed my ear calling my name. She was. Hope.
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Too many want to change many things, but for now, that's what I have. When it's time, it will edit and finish.
Any criticism, comment or opinion is accepted! Adelante! :)
